I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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