My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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