I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
