The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
