grandma shit on top of the toilet
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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