just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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