My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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