brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
