I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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