Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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