you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
