i think my mom watched the whole time
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
