You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
