He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
