FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize