In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
