so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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