I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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