and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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