Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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