My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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