You're my little dorito
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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