News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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