I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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