Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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