One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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