I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
