Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
