Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
