yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
