Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just pee around me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
