I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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