Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
