KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
