Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
