I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
