I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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