I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
