I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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