i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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