Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
