explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
