she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
