grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Non-Jews are for practice
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
