I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
