CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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