I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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