dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
