I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize