I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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