I just pynch a tree in the face
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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