i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
