My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize