Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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