that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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