If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
