theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
