Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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