I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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